This season of my life is an odd one. Or it feels odd to me, at least. For the past 3+ years I’ve worked two jobs, most times I was taking at least one class, and always involved in a number of other things whether it was church, community events, or campus ministry. Some would say I “wore many hats,” and I loved it. Juggling a busy schedule was something I was good at, and still something I enjoy.
Life looks a lot different now. In February I started a new job (part-time), and quit my other two. I’m still taking just one class at the university, and I’ve taken a step back from my responsibilities with different community outreaches and endeavors. And, consequently, I’ve got more time on my hands than I’ve had in years, and absolutely no clue what to do with it all. As someone who’s used to being busy, I’m constantly fighting this lie in my head that my new flow of life is wrong, inadequate, and wasteful.
If you’re someone that’s close to me, you know that I often find myself wrestling with this feeling of inadequacy. At some point in my life I started believing that I’ve got to prove myself worthy. Worthy of love. Worthy of being taken seriously. And worthy of rest. It’s my slipperiest slope, and if I’m not careful, I end up at the bottom of that slope looking up, in deep desperation for someone or something to reaffirm my worth. To tell me, “You’re okay. You’re worthy.” It’s a battle but, I’m learning.
I’ve slid down this slope enough times to be able to recognize when I’m at risk for slipping, and I am at risk now. Idle time really is the Devil’s playground and he loves to send us searching for worth. If I’m not careful, I know that I will be led out on that search and rob myself of any ounce of joy that this season has to offer. But thankfully, I am reminded of Truth.
In the most honest parts of myself I know where worth is found, and there aren’t any hoops or fire to jump through to get there. Worth is not something we earn. Worth was earned already, once and for all by a man who died a saving death so that we may know life. And so I am not going to strive. I won’t let my heart be tricked into believing that I need to worry or work this season away for the sake of trying to earn my worth. Because I have nothing to prove. And that was never the reason for grace. This new and slow season has so much opportunity if I allow it- for growth, for service, for rest. And I pray that I won’t squander it away. My hope is that I’ll take advantage of this time to cultivate new habits, and learn to enter into those spaces of true rest, because I know it won’t be this way for long. So if you ask me what my days look like as of late, I’ll tell you that they are slow, but they are meaningful. That I am learning to let my time be governed by the leading of a Holy guide, instead of by the flippant whims of my current fancy. And for as long as I am in it, I will be glad and savor the slow.